Mind Ramblings...

My brain has had far too much time to think lately. Even while I sleep it runs rampant and I wake up in the morning confused and frustrated. Things about my life, about me. I don't know what else it would think about. haha.

Like thinking about jobs. I am so tired of where I am, but am far too frightened to even pursue other options. I'm scared of not doing well, of not liking it, of not fitting in, and especially of not keeping the somewhat financial stability I have right now. I don't want to get another job, quit what I have, and then quickly lose what I did gain. And not being happy. I'm not happy right now, but I'm ok. I'm not horrible. It could be much worse. It's a fear of starting over and not knowing where it is going exactly. When I do big things like that I like to have every little thing planned out. I need to know what is happening.

Thinking about moving. I have been thinking about just getting a new apartment here in Owatonna... but after camp this week, I feel like I NEED to move up north. It's not so much want... it's a need. I feel so alive up there, and it's not just the people or the camp. It's the air. It's how healthy I feel while I'm there. It's how I have so much to do and feel up there. I close my eyes and reach my hands up and it's the only time I feel a higher power. The only time I feel like there is so much more to life than just making it by. And I can tell when I have left the area... my heart drops, the air isn't as sweet anymore. Anything south of Brainerd/Baxter loses it for me. I smile the minute I drive by and I roll down my window and inhale deeply. It's love. However... it's so far away from everything I have grown up around and known! And I fear that the people I love don't want me to do it. I can't explain the happiness and warmth in my heart when I'm that close to real wilderness. Owatonna is farmland. I need deep woods and hiking trails. One of these days I will go up there and live there. I want to live on a nice lake, near Pequot Lakes and Nisswa. There's lots to choose from.

Being healthy... I lost 4.5 pounds while I was up north. I feel like gravity pulls me down while I'm back in town. My blood doesn't feel as clear, and I've already started to break out again. It's the weirdest thing. Anyways, I have some big goals I want to reach this year, but am just stuck in my little rut, going nowhere. I don't know what to do with myself. There seems to be so little to do down here. And even when I find something I want to do, there isn't really anyone to do it with. It's a bit lonely at times. And mentally I feel stuck. A week in the woods can do wonders for my mind. I think the pig smell down here clogs my brain.

Who knows... this could just all be decompression from coming back from camp... but it's amazing how year after year I feel the same things when I get back, and it's amazing how happy I am while I'm there. I work my butt off, and I don't mind. I sweat, and I don't mind. This year I wasn't even all that concerned about "making friends" and what others thought of me. I was there because I wanted to be and no one was going to make me feel bad. I had my moments of course, usually when thinking about the past. Feeling sorry for myself, or feeling like I can say something a billion times but people won't listen... and once someone else says the thing I was trying to say, they are suddenly a genius. Or realizing things about myself and the people I was on SLC staff on... how I thought some people were my friends and I love them dearly, but not a single person contacts me during the off season while the rest of them get together and have fun. Things like that. But I need to keep growing and realize I am not here for them. I am here for me, and I am here to figure out my lifes purpose and put it to use. I need to keep growing and learning and thinking (unfortunately) to figure out where I am going and what I am doing.

Thinking has so many ups and downs and positives and negatives. It's a great frenemy. I just hope I can use it to my advantage in the coming year and really grow up. Become the adult I have been trying to become. I'm catching up with myself, and it feels good. I just wish it had happened a while ago.

New GOAL!

I was on the motorcycle with Dad today, which is never really a comfortable thing. I am too large to fit on the back of the Harley without making Dad all uncomfortable. Anyways, we rode over to my cousin TJ's birthday and on the way there Dad made me an offer. He said that if I lose 100 pounds, he would take me to Sturgis on the Harley. He said that Mom probably wouldn't mind and just think of all the fun I would have riding on those beautiful roads on the back of a motorcycle.

That got me thinking. I REALLY do want to go. And it really is a good goal. I mean, I have had goals before with this, but nothing like this. This feels different. And I am trying really hard today to watch what I'm eating. For example, at TJ's party. There was extra cake there. Just sitting there, on the table. I hadn't had anything to eat except cake. I was hungry. I had had one piece, and desperately wanted another. And it was like the cake was taunting me, just sitting there saying "Come eat me! You know nobody will mind! C'mon... just a bite!" Oh man was it taunting me. I was staring at it. I had to move away and go sit down somewhere, and I told dad that the cake was bothering me, and he just reminded me of what he had said earlier about Sturgis.

Maybe I COULD do this in a year. Or if not a year, I could at least do it. I could start going to bed at a set time and waking up a set time (which I should start doing anyways) and work out before I go to work or force myself to do it after work and eat properly. A good kitchen would help. My snacking has gotten out of control, so I need to stop buying anything that sits in the chip aisle and anything that sits in the candy aisle. Which actually is one big long aisle together in Cash Wise. I should just not go down that one! haha. And baking... I need to stop baking. Bread is ok, for the most part. But cookies, brownies, etc. No more.

I should put up a countdown for how many days until next year's Sturgis Rally. Mark it on my calendar.

Tomorrow is Monday, and it will be a brand new start. BRAND SPANKIN' NEW. Wo0t!

So I Went Grocery Shopping

This is a War, Not a Battle

Well...

I need a serious kick and some serious help. Haven't moved anywhere and and feeling lack of ambition and desire. At least I am floating around the 355lb range and haven't gained much more.

When I become this stressed with work and other life events, this is always how it goes. I eat until I'm sick and I generally feel ill. I'm tired of it, but am also too tired to deal with getting back on track.

HELP!

Shrimpy Short Teeny Tot

I need to just start posting small things instead of trying to pour my brain out through my fingers. Almost like FB status updates. Or... twittering for lack of a better word. *shudder* I think Twitter is just a bad idea. As if I didn't know everything about everyone already. Now I can be updated in seconds, every moment of the day! Eating breakfast? Twitter it! Driving on the highway? Twitter it! Taking a crap? TWITTER! Ugh.

Anyways. Here is my status updates.

* I've been binging on carby foods. Pretzels, COMBOS, sunchips, any chips. Stuff like that. I usually end up having to follow it up with something sweet. Luckily I have 60calorie freezees in my freezer that, while not fantastic, are definitely better for you than most sweet things. I managed to eat Combos AND Sunchips tonight. With my supper of a South Beach Diet Pizza. I am an anomaly.

* I am unbelievably sore from trying to exercise all week. I was doing pretty well though... until I started binging like crazy after work. Now I'm sore and bloated. Makes DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) difficult to do when I don't want to move my body or feel too tired to take a shower afterwards. Sometimes I am able to force myself to do it.

* I haven't eaten with my parents in forever and I have not been in the mood all week to cook my own supper. This has led to severely bad choices. Like a McDonald's cheeseburger. At least I didn't get the fries!

* I am currently crazy about red seedless grapes, but they are crazy expensive. $3 a pound! I grabbed a bag the other day and went to pay for it.. then found out it was seven and a half bucks! I had to put it back, sadly. I didn't have enough money on me.

* I haven't work at J&J's in awhile, so ice cream hasn't been an issue. I almost stopped there today just for the ice cream, no other reason... I managed to continue driving past. However, I had the combos sitting right next to me, so that negates the plus.

* I have the entire weekend off. I think I will go to the zoo and take pictures. I haven't decided yet on whether it will be Como or Minnesota. I'm hoping to find someone to go with me. I will be taking lots and lots of pictures.

* I sometimes feel like I need more support. Well, I know I have support, I just feel like I need more verbal support. And someone to do things with. And more than just my family. haha. *Waves at Chris, Mom, and Grandma!* Feels a tad bit lonely sometimes.

* I think I might get a glass of water now and hook up the DDR. Start slow to get rid of these chips and then really get into it. I hope my legs will move alright tonight! It was a long work day!!

* I will start posting more regularly if I can do this, and next time I need to do my updated picture, though I don't believe it has changed much. Eh. Meh. Hmph.

Ice Cream = Frenemy

I'm sitting in the ice cream shoppe right now and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable! I'm really trying to put my mind to it to eat right. I figure if I keep telling myself every second of every day that I am going to eat healthy and not allow myself to eat poor choices, I will be fine. It's proving hard while sitting here surrounded by cold deliciousness and candy. And chips. I've already had my once ice cream treat of the day, I can not allow myself to have more. However, whenever I lift up the lid for the peanut butter cups... oh my. That smell is amazing. Peanut butter. I want some! I can't though. Can't do it. Don't want to do it.

I was going through my phone and found something I had typed in there the other day as a note to myself. I don't know why I wrote it or even remember what I was feeling or doing at the time, but I thought I should post it here as it pertains to my weight loss journey.

It's just hard because of this emotional connection I have with food. For a long time it was my only constant source of happiness. Many people involve themselves deeply in music, sports, friends... that was never me. I may have had "friends", but it is the truth when I say almost all of my Friday nights in high school were spent at home in front of my computer. I wasn't invited to a party until I was 21. Food kept me entertained instead. It was a true friend. How do I let that go when I still feel the same? When I know it will always be there? I come home at night and I know two things for sure. That Artemis will be meowing at the door for me, and that the fridge is two steps away from the door. It's hard to break away from this relationship. It's like a bad boyfriend you can't get away from.

Hm. So I guess that's it in a depressing nutshell. It is amazing what can come out sometimes when I just don't even think about it and let it pour out. I'm glad I can keep notes on my phone! A writers best friend!

Anyways, the point is that this is so hard! It's difficult for me to keep my frame of mind steady in to doing this. Some days are better than others... some days I don't really feel like myself. I feel like a zombie. And that might have to do with my meds and I should probably get that checked out. For example.. work. Tuesday night I was on top of everything and was a cleaning maniac and super friendly and got everything done. Wednesday, last night, I just didn't feel like doing anything. I was tired and sore with a headache, and didn't even want to do my job. It's like that all the time, and not just with work, but everyday there are things I want to do but I just get so tired and don't want to do anything at all except sit on my couch and listen to music. If even that... sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cuddle with Artemis. I'm not very consistent. I feel like this isn't normal, that it isn't what most people feel. Which makes me feel worse and more like a freak of nature. I'm just very strange. I've always been this way.

I have four hours left before my shift is over and I can walk away from the ice cream shoppe. I think if I find something to do here on the computer I can keep myself busy enough to not eat anything. Maybe I'll work on something for my Neopets guild. I just need to stay strong and stay away from it. Stay distracted. Is there a zap collar out there that could zap me if I even think about grabbing food? haha. Pavlov's dogs. In reverse. That would be nice. Kind of. It would hurt, but it would help. I think.

Not So Hot, Actually

So instead of turning over this new leaf again I am just finding myself feeling guilty and becoming depressed and listless. Stressed out. Frustrated. Which is never good. I tried to start journaling again today and just couldn't be honest with myself with what I was really eating. I wanted so badly to stay under my WW points and I was close to being done by mid afternoon! Doing lunch at the Timber Lodge was not the smartest idea, but I was meeting up with family for lunch and honestly, there isn't really a healthy sit-down restaurant anywhere. What I had wasn't too horrible, but it is still frustrating. I've been giving in to my cravings to much lately as well. I had four string cheese sticks this afternoon. Never good.

Right now I am craving something sugary, and I know that I have a bag of brownie mix in my pantry. And it wouldn't take me very long to make it. I've already had two sugar free popsicles (1 point each) to placate this sugar craving, and it is not working. I'm thinking my best option is just to go to bed. Maybe this is the wrong time of night to try to be motivating myself.

My mom found a gray hair on my head today! A freaking LONG gray hair! Not gray... white. I don't know if it's because the women in my family tend to gray early (I'm 22, Grandma said she had her first gray by 25) or if it is stress. I wish I knew... if it's stress I could try to fix it. If it's that I'm getting older... well, that sucks. I have a feeling it is stress, because it seems like it just popped up over night. That can happen, right? Eh. I'll have to look it up. Either way, I don't want it yet. It could wait another couple of years. Can I at least have a kid first before I start earning my gray hair?

I think I'm going to bed and leave the rest of my thoughts to another post. I need to start writing everyday again. Maybe that will provide me with more inspiration. Hopefully.

Stains the Hypno Dog

I think this perfectly explains my current situation with food I am craving. It's basically like it is being held in front of my face... whether I am working with it (ice cream, etc) or on the shelves at the grocery store... but if I go in to take a bite something "clicks" at me and tells me no. I just wish that I could train like a dog. It would make it easier. Is there a human whisperer out in the crowd somewhere?

I've started making attempts at buying healthier food, particularly snack foods. Snacks are my biggest downfall. I eat really healthy meals usually. But it's the in between times, especially after supper until bedtime, that really get me. So I need to make absolutely sure that I am not putting myself in a position that would lead me to eat some really bad things. In other words, I can not keep unhealthy junk food in my apartment AT ALL. I should not be allowed to buy it. It can not come past my door. Otherwise it will be demolished. I need to start "consciously" shopping again. Hm.

I'm starting the "Biggest Loser Challenge" on one of my SparkTeams and I really hope that it will help me this summer. I think I've been lacking that push, and really have just been left to my own devices again. Which is never good! Like I've said before, I need someone to really shove me along the way. Just knock me on my ass! Because obviously what I do by myself does not work.

Well, I guess my glass is a little half empty tonight! I've had one hell of a week and I think I just need to take a nice hot shower and crawl into my bed with a book. I've been thinking of trying to read The Fountainhead. I never got through it the first time, and now that it's not required reading maybe I can.

I'm so excited to finally have a day off from work! I hope the weather will be nice so I can really enjoy it!

Can't Find That Horse...

So I seem to not be able to find the frickin' horse so I can back on it! This is becoming ridiculous! I have been trying to do better in other aspects of my life (work, cleaning, money management) and my diet went right out the window. I haven't kept a food journal in almost a month! I ate two donuts this evening for cripes sake. Just because I have been craving it and I had a little extra cash in my pocket so I could get it. Go figure.

What little will power and ambition I had in the start has disappeared. I am back to the idealism.. I can picture doing it, I want to do it, but when it comes to the time to actually get off my butt and do it... well, I don't. I don't know if it's because I'm tired lately from working so much or if it is the change of the season and the rain, or what. What I do know is it needs to change, hardcore.

And blogging! My goodness! So I think I figured out the other day that I haven't been blogging because I keep think I need to write epic stories that are hundreds of thousands of characters long. I need to start keeping it short and sweet, just so I can stay up on it and keep thinking about it.

I've said this all before. I just need to find that damn horse. Has anybody seen it?

Ok! Ok!

Alright! I need to write! I know I know! Man have I gotten so bad. Diet wise as well. I'm doing fantastic with exercise now that it is nice out, going for walks and even doing little exercises in my apartment (yoga stretches, anyone?)... but my ice cream obsession and visits to the store completely negate any good I do. I'm floating around 351.4 and haven't budged for probably two weeks, despite some days of increased water weight. I still have not cracked my food journal open to even attempt to count the points. I've been buying whatever I want and eating it. I stock my fridge and pantry with good foods, and then I go to the store and buy bad foods and eat those instead. I need to just stop that. I need to get seriously determined and put up some roadblocks for myself.

I've started cleaning my apartment and am doing very very well. My living room looks great, and the kitchen is getting there... I need to finish up the dishes and put everything away and then it should be fine. My bedroom is a whole other issue, but I'll get there, and the bathroom is definitely not an issue. I think I can finish it this weekend if I put my mind to it. Then I can start working on my "yard" (otherwise known as the tiny patch of grass in front of my door) and get that cleaned up and plant some flowers for the summer. I'm trying to decide if I want to pull up some rock that is in front of my stoop and plant some grown flowers into the dirt or if I want to try to grow something from a seed again. I didn't do very well last year. Maybe I'll try both. If I have enough money I will.

So I am finally getting another one of my short term goals done, which is fantastic. Now that it has been 6 weeks, I am going to review my goals.

Short Term Goals:

• Lose 10% of weight (36 pounds since start)
• Exercise 3-4 days a week
• Clean my apartment for a fresh start
• Get a new job that will better suit a healthy lifestyle
• Finish setting up blog to better track progress

Long Term Goals:

• Lose 168 pounds by January 2011
• Keep the weight off
• Work on psychological traps
• Ramp exercise up to more than walking, and do it 5 days a week.
• Blog progress at least 5 times a week, if not everyday
• Take full body pictures every 10 weeks

Ok... I have set up my blog, and am currently cleaning my apartment. This week I exercised 4 times, but I need to keep that up in order to count it as a success. And I haven't completed any of my long term goals. I am still happy with those goals, so I think I will keep them. I only need to add that I need to journal my food intake daily and also need to eat healthy. Still feasible.

I think this upcoming week is going to be tough because I will be working so much, but I might be able to make it. Hopefully. I will try to keep on top of myself, and try to hold myself accountable to this blog and SparkPeople. Someone other than myself for sure. My fingers are crossed for luck!

Pulling it Back Together

I think I've reached a point where I need to stop using being sick as an excuse and start to pull my life back together again. I am better, and my voice is coming back, and I can do ever day tasks. So there should be no excuse for me not cleaning my apartment, especially my dishes, no excuse for not having sent my rent yet, for just paying off my utilities last night, all that junk. And, well... it's really not just this past week, is it? I need to pull myself together in general and be an adult. I keep complaining to my dad that I am 22 and he needs to treat me like I am adult and not a toddler... but I sure don't act like it sometimes! This does tie in to my weight loss, so bear with me. What I am getting at is that I DO have the willpower and I DO have the ambition, but I am far too lazy most of the time. I can do this stuff. It's not that hard. I wonder what it is that makes me not want to do it. Where did I ever pick up this habit? It is not at all something that should have come from my family... immediate and extended, they are the hardest working people on the face of the planet! I just need a serious kick in the ass. And possibly a talk with a psychiatrist to really figure it out. Because this is ridiculous, and I have reached a point in my life that I absolutely need to be driven to succeed, or I will never go anywhere.

So, I need to stay on top of myself. This is my goal for the week. I need to behave like a responsible adult. I will not allow myself to live like this any longer! And if I can just get started and do it seriously, I think I can hang on to that and keep doing it. So, I will go to bed and get up at a normal time, I will eat all the meals I am supposed to, I will clean like I am supposed to, I will exercise like I supposed to... I will do it all this week! It will keep me busy, but I believe I can and this little "pep talk" is making me excited!!

In other news, my weight went up to 350.4 now that I am eating again, but that is still much better than it was. I now have the proper cord for my iPod (whom I have renamed Dieter, pronounced dee-ter... the thing looks German to me), and have uploaded MY music. I love it sooo much more now. Not that Jordan's music was bad, but I needed my Beatle and Bob Dylan fix badly. Yesterday I uploaded my workout playlist, which I am still building. I am happy with how it is now though. Definitely upbeat, and once it stops being so cold (it's April! C'mon!) I will certainly use it while on walks. I think it will help me kick up my pace. I also intend on starting to use the exercise plan provided to me by SparkPeople, which would be accomplished more easily if my living room was clean. I am going to be rearranging my furniture if I can get a brawny family member over here, and I hope that will open things up a little bit more so I can maybe even use my Dancing with the Stars workout tape. That takes up a lot of room.

So many plans! I hope this streak keeps going! But for now, I need to shower and head to bed so I can work in the morning. I can't wait for morning. =)

I Went Missing!

So the short skinny on the fat story: I got really really REALLLY sick. Turns out, Influenza B. Yuck. Then turns out Influenza B AND Bronchitis! Double yuck! I am now on day 5 of no voice. That in itself should have its own blog! Life is proving hard and slightly embarrassing when one can not speak louder than a medium whisper. Especially when it comes to working in retail and service! I have picked up an eight hour shift for tomorrow and am not quite sure what to do about my voice. Possibly a sign will need to be placed stating that I currently have no voice and apologize for the inconvenience. It would make things easier than having to explain it over and over again. Hm. Will think on that more.

Hopefully it will turn around soon and I can have my voice back, God willing, and go on with my life. Be healthy. I really need to be healthy. However, this little bit of illness has brought down my weight to a range I am satisfied with, and I feel I am back on track for my goal. I have officially dropped ONE Weight Watcher food point! I now have 43 points to eat in a day instead of 44. This is very good news. I have broken out of the 350's. Hopefully this is not purely because of being ill and I can keep it up.

In other news, Jordan... oh lovely Jordan. He mailed me his old iPod, and I am loving it! I am excited to load it up and start using it for exercise. As soon as I get better, I am taking that bad boy out!

Alas, I must sleep and prepare for that early shift tomorrow. Just wanted to assure everyone that I am, indeed, not lost and am quite alive.

Another Good Week!

Posted another loss this week of almost 2 pounds, which is fantastic! I was convinced I was gaining... especially after weighed myself on Wednesday and I had gained 3 pounds. But I weighed myself tonight after work and I was down to 352.6! I hate how my body fluctuates like that. But I'll just keep weighing myself and working hard until I see a number I like. Could be a good or bad thing. It's a good thing as a short term goal. Not for the long term. One day at a time.

So this pumps me up for the week ahead. What does NOT pump me up is the weather forecast. It's supposed to be cloudy and rainy for most of the week. Doesn't really allow me to walk as I would like. I do have a raincoat in my closet, however. I can put that on and still take a walk... but that's no fun! Hopefully the forecast is wrong. I want to put to use the new fitness map feature I discovered on SparkPeople. It's fantastic! It And not just for the maps and walking... but with any exercise I do. I can calculate how long I did it for and what intensity, and it automatically counts it. Very exciting. I think I am finally starting to get the hang out SparkPeople and am using it for what it is meant for. Another thing that gets me excited.

I also work days all next week, a fairly regular schedule, so my eating should be balanced and regular. Along with having started getting everything cleaned in my apartment (one of my short-term goals I made in the beginning!), this week will be a fantastic start for me. Well, not really a full start, because I've been at this for a while. What I mean is a good start for me to concentrate on me and not have to worry about anything else for once. It's a good feeling. Really good.

It is late once again, and I don't know why I am up this time. But Artemis once again is on my case. He watches out for me, no matter how annoying he has to be to get his point across... I think he is giving me final call.

Spring Cleaning

So it's after 2:30am and I am still awake and happen to be enjoying a (caffeine free) Diet Coke on my couch, checking my email, taking a break from the cleaning I've been doing. I got back not that long ago from Wal-Mart actually. I spent lots of money! BUT! On cleaning supplies. I only got one food item (good for me! yay!) and that is Special K crackers, which I intend on portioning out and putting into baggies. In a place I can't reach very easily, so I have to work for it if I want them. Good plan I think. And not only that, they are the tomato herb kind, which don't hit me as big as the regular multi-grain. Crisis diverted.

I did buy two Rubbermaid totes... one for my Christmas stuff that I really need to pull down and put away (I have mostly just lights out, seeing as I couldn't use my tree because Artemis is crazy!), and one for all these envelopes of pictures I am finding all over! I need to put them somewhere until I can really go through them and decide what to do with them. I then bought new toilet scrubbies, kitty litter, refillable cleaning solution (because it was on sale and I've really been wanting to get one of those!), air freshener, hangers, and that toilet bowl cleaning stuff that you "stamp" onto the bowl... it just looked cool, and thought it would help keep it clean. It was about $40 all together. Not too horrible considering what I got and how much I got, but still makes me cringe thinking about it. I should just become a recluse and stop stepping into stores all together! I'd be out of a job then, but hey. I wouldn't be spending money. haha.

I still have stuff sitting on my bed. I decided earlier today yesterday that the only way my bedroom was going to get clean was if I picked everything up off of the floor and put it on my bed. That way I could vacuum and get rid of the icky grittiness on the floor from Artemis' litter and my dirt outside, and be able to put the autism aside for awhile so I could actually clean. So, I did exactly that. After I vacuumed I put away the clean clothes, put the dirty ones in the basket, and started collecting garbage. I then had to go for supper and the meeting, so that is about where I stopped. When I got back I started sorting out the desk/nightstand drawer and shelf, and throwing away more garbage. I am about 85% done. I need to be 95% done in order to crawl into my bed to go to sleep. The rest of the junk is on top of my dresser and can be done tomorrow. However, time seems to move fast in the middle of the night while there is no one around to distract me, and it is now quarter to three. At least I don't have to work until 4pm tomorrow today. Oh, I need to change Artemis' box before bed... he's kicking it all over the place. And destroying stuff in my living room to let me know that he is not happy with that situation. Therefore, it must be done. No worries.

It is officially spring now, you know. So I really am doing spring cleaning. It's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say. And it is one of my goals, to clean up my apartment and keep it clean. I know I do that it will make it easier to want to be in here and cook and keep it clean and just generally take better care of myself. I think my apartment is a reflection of how I am feeling most of the time. If my apartment is a wreck, I'm a wreck. And I know it's pretty bad when I don't even have a clear pathway anymore.

Artemis is prodding me to go give him a treat and go to bed. I suppose I should listen to him... he is the boss after all...

Hippie-Hippie-Hooray!

I'm such a hippie. I love nature. I was so happy to be outside today. I just had to hug this gigantic tree. Nice. I love it! haha

Tried to run off to bed again without blogging. I don't have much to say today. I did give in to the ice cream, but I had a pretty good day otherwise. Took a walk with my mom and took pictures along the way now that it doesn't have that black spot in it. Cooked supper for the family, and it was fantastic... Pineapple Chicken Skewers. And it was pretty, no less! I was very proud of myself.

I hope to go for another walk tomorrow and for sure clean my apartment. I think Artemis is going stir-crazy and he has been making a mess of the place. I need to get rid of the things he can make a mess of. Then I will go pick up my cousin TJ with mom, have supper, weigh in, do our meeting, and then... I don't know what. Play with TJ some more I guess. He's spending the weekend with us. Fun! I can't wait to spend time with him. And he's a fireball, so I hope that will count as some exercise. All that chasing around. Man! He's like the energizer bunny.

I hope I stay on track tomorrow!

Takes the Cake certainly does!

So, note to self: Even though Edy's Slow Churned Takes the Cake flavored Ice Cream is better than some ice creams regardng calories and fat, that does not mean you can eat more of it. Measure out the portions, do not eat it directly out of the box. Because it tastes too good to stop at just 1/2 cup! That will become 2 cups instead. My oh my does it taste good. I need to stop that habit with ice cream though, eating it right out of the container... even though it is easier and requires less dishes for me to wash (much) later, it obviously does not work all that well for me.

I had my evening food all backwards tonight... I ate that ice cream as soon as I got home from Wal-Mart at about 8:30 and didn't make supper (HG's French Onion Soup and BLT (minus L) Sandwich) until 10:30. I need to work on that. As I have said before. Luckily next week I work all days. This Saturday I work an evening, but the rest of the week will be an easy flow. I hope.

Point wise I was doing fine today up until the cake ice cream. I don't know why I got it... I was going to grab the vanilla slow churned and instead grabbed that. It just looked so yummy. And I didn't actually get real cake tonight like planned (that's not a real excuse... but bear with me) because my cousin is sick. So no birthday party this evening, it has been moved to Sunday. Luckily, because I ended up having a work meeting this evening. Which went fine. It was for the photo lab. Yeah... anyways. Moving away from that subject.

I was just thinking, as I was grabbing the cat's food, how much this blog is helping me. I was thinking earlier today about how it's kind of silly and egocentric to write completely about me and my weight loss and not much else. But I really am holding myself accountable to this blog and whoever may be reading it. I was going to go to bed but I was like "Nope. Need to write. You ate too much ice cream. You must do one thing good for yourself before bed, and that is to blog and check your SparkPeople page." So here I am! I just need to keep in mind that I can't slack on this. I need to keep going. Blogging for me is almost like exercising for other people... it gets me pumped up. Keeps me on track. Of course blogging is not going to help me lose any calories, no matter how fast I type, but it's a good thing for me to keep track of what works and what doesn't, my behaviors and habits, my cravings and... basically everything. This is like a detailed food journal. Oh, for the love of my thought processes. I need to type out what I am thinking in real time just so I can understand it. Gotta love that brain of mine!

When I was at Wal-Mart tonight I looked at pedometers. Well, actually, just pedometer. They only have one brand there. Which I thought was weird. It was $5 and I wanted to make sure I was getting a good one before I bought it, so I called my mom to ask her... but she was busy and I didn't really want to bother her, so I called my aunt. Turns out she has one I can use! And not only that, but it is a Weight Watchers Pedometer, and she said it will even tell me when I have earned one activity point from walking! Which is exciting. Now I can definitely find out how much I am doing at work for real. Steps and all. I can't wait. I'll get that on Sunday when we go up to the cities for the party.

And this Friday is our weekly meeting... I think I am going to weigh-in again tomorrow. I am cooking supper for my parents from the Hungry-Girl cookbook (again!) tomorrow as well. AND I'm going to go for a walk with my camera now that it is fixed and working well. Big plans. But in order to do that I should go to bed a (semi) decent time so I can wake up early enough to do it all. I get paid tomorrow too! It will definitely be a good day tomorrow.

Goal for tomorrow- Avoid the cake ice cream, go for at least an hour walk, and clean the kitchen. I have a grocery bag sitting in my sink because I had no where else to put it! Must put away those dishes. haha.

Rock Out Music!

Let me start by saying I have had a very long day. So I can not be held liable for anything confusing that comes out of my mouth fingertips.

I worked from 8am to 6pm today... ten hours. To some people that is a regular workday, but for me that is 2-4 hours longer than I usually work. And I had to work in two departments, no less... its slightly hard for my brain to switch gears like that. I did alright today though. Luckily there wasn't too much work to do in Photo. I helped out in customer service too... so it's really like I worked in 3 departments today. Yikes.

Anyways, it's money in the bank, so I can't complain too badly. Especially when I need that money so badly. Hopefully that stress will go away soon, if I keep picking up hours like this. Next week I have 32 hours so far. That's pretty good.

I work again tomorrow from 8am-4pm. That's a regular opening shift for the video store. It just seems so early, unfortunately. Especially considering it is now midnight and I am sitting here writing in my blog instead of going to sleep. Right after this though I will. I need to. So tired.

One thing that has been keeping me up at night is this music. I am a huge fan of projectplaylist.com and have created tons of different music playlists for all different occasions. Lately I have been working on two different ones. One for my cousin Erin, who just turned 11. I want to expose her to a lot of good music... The Beatles, The Stones, Bob Dylan, CCR, etc. Good old stuff, that will expand her horizons beyond the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's actually pretty good and I like listening to it. I always think of songs late at night to put on it.

The second one is a workout playlist. That's what I am listening to and working on at this exact moment, while doing this. I'm trying to find the best way to arrange it right now... do I want the slower songs at the beginning for stretching, or should I just throw everything where ever it will land and hope it works? Here is what I have so far:

Postal Service- Such Great Heights
Frou Frou- Let Go
Journey- Don't Stop Believin'
Fallout Boy- Dance, Dance
Ok Go- Here It Goes Again
Frou Frou- Close Up
Daft Punk- Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
The Strokes- Last Night
The Jets- Are You Gonna Be My Girl?
Black Eyed Peas- Pump It
Basement Jaxx- Red Alert
The Muffs- Kids in America
Rick Springfield- Jessie's Girl
REM- It's the End of the World
Nena- 99 Luftballons

Not too shabby. I'm one for weird arrangements with many styles of songs. But I think most of these have the recurring 4/4 pounding beat... the beginning of the list does not. That's less pounding. But it ramps up to it. Gotta love that pounding beat! Now if only I had an Ipod I could put these on, and a gym to join and workout in. haha. I'd almost be a stereotypical American!

Anybody have any recommendations for good workout songs? I followed the SparkPeople guide, and it led me to some of these songs. I'm looking for more! Music really does get me going.

Well, it is creeping further past midnight, and despite what I really want, I still have to work tomorrow. So I should go to bed so I'm not late. And then tomorrow evening is my cousin's birthday party... I hope I don't eat too much cake! Gosh I love cake. And homemade ice cream. I must budget my points for it!

Wish me luck with the cake! haha.

Weight Loss!

My weight is down 3.5lbs since last Tuesday! YAY! I am very very happy. It really gets me going when I see progress. It proves to me that what I am doing IS working, and I should continue doing it instead of giving up. So I am officially at 355.1 at the moment. Can't wait to weigh in next week! Hope it stays on the same path.

I got my own copy of the Hungry Girl cookbook now (instead of the library's copy), and it's so pretty and shiny and wonderful. I can actually write in it if I want, which I will because I'm going to write the Weight Watcher point values next to every recipe. Tonight I actually made TWO things out of it! And they were delicious. And only equaled about 9 points together, and that is including two servings of ranch dressing. I made a BLT salad (made with turkey bacon) and French Onion Soup. YUM. Just enough to fill me up. For an evening snack (not so much snack, but still good) I ate some Spinach Munchies, which I found in the natural foods department. It has soy cheese inside.. it was good, but I could certainly tell it was not real cheese. But yum... spinach. That was 7 points. So it nearly equaled my supper. But I had points to spare. However, it appears that soy does not like me... my tummy feels like it's doing cartwheels. But maybe this is something that will pass the more I eat it. Hopefully, because I bought some soy milk to use in recipes. I also bought some tofu noodles, which I have never had. We will see how that treats me as well.

I spent WAAAAYYYY too much money. I've been trying to buy "investment pieces" for my kitchen, and it is starting to add up. I think I am starting to spend beyond my means... again. Of course I could be wrong, I need to check (and start keeping track in a register what I am pulling out of my checking!)... but I am pretty sure I am not going to have much to spend until Thursday when I get paid. I have plenty of food here though, so as long as I bag up my lunch for work, I should be fine. Thank goodness.

Went for a walk with my Aunt Chris and her dog Jaycee. It was short but definitely worth it. It was gorgeous out today. I also went for a walk on Friday and took almost 100 pictures before discovering that there was a spot in all of them. Turns out there was dust on one of the mirrors or a sensor or something. Something that I could not figure out how to clean! I opened up everything and tried cleaning it, and obviously missed that part. Luckily my Aunt DeeDee has the same camera and knows how to clean it. I am so glad she is a photographer. Chris took it up to the cities with her, DeeDee fixed it, and I had it back in my hands today. Fantastic!! It will probably be Thursday before I can get out for a walk again, but when I do I will bring it with.

Lots of day hours this week. On Tuesday I will be working 10 hours. So Thursday will be a welcome relief. I hope it will be beautiful outside.

Well, I am growing increasingly tired and have to work in the morning, so I should go to bed. But trust me, I am pumped for this week and hope to stay on track!

Hungry Girl

So tonight was the "Family + Bridget Weight Watchers" meeting... we get together once a week to discuss what we are doing, how we are doing, share tips, secrets, books, and coupons, and generally have fun. I have found that this makes it a wonderful time for me to go grocery shopping after we meet because I am pumped full of energy and excited for what I can do... so I went grocery shopping tonight. I spent a LOT of money... more than I intended too. But hopefully it is healthier stuff than I have been eating.

Aside from the meeting and grocery shopping today, I also went to the library. First, I actually walked there. Which is good. Especially considering it is like what... 4 blocks away from my house? I shouldn't even waste the gas to drive over there really. Yet I do. Consistently. I dropped off some things that were horrible overdue (I really need to pull my life together!), paid off my fine (Yikes!), and then sat down at the catalog computer and searched for weight loss books. First I searched for cookbooks, because I really need to get away from this frozen meal trend I am in and actually start COOKING. I love cooking, I just don't have the space, time, or ambition to do it. Seriously, I don't have counters in my apartment. It's terribly sad. I keep thinking about ways I could possibly fix it, because the rolling cart my mom bought for me is doing nothing is collecting my keys when I come home at the end of the day. And keeps utensils that I never use in its drawers. I'm thinking I need to make my sink like that of an RV and create a board to go over it. This would solve two things... I would have to wash my dishes if I wanted to have any cooking space, and it would give me a space TO cook things on. Well, not really cook, obviously, but prepare things. Again, I ramble.

Anyways, cookbooks. I literally sat on the floor and just looked for something that popped out at me. I am very particular about my cook books. I need to be able to open it and find these three things: 1) Pictures. I hate cooking something without knowing what it is supposed to look like. 2) Few ingredients. And in those few ingredients, it can't be anything outlandish or crazy that I wouldn't have already in my pantry or wouldn't have easy access to. And 3) it needs to have all the nutritional information. Number three is a newer requirement. I also prefer for the recipe to be easy, but that is not necessary. That usually comes along with the few ingredients requirement.

So I am sitting there pulling out books and glancing, putting things back almost as soon as I pull them out, trying to find newer ones with healthier recipes, and I come across the HUNGRY GIRL cookbook. It's bright, it's colorful, it has pictures (not of every recipe, but it says that you can see them all online), and it looks easy. I start flipping through it and am flat out amazed! It has amazing recipes, all of them with the weight watcher points available right online, and not only that, every one either is one serving or four. I have found heaven, and it lies in a cookbook. No joke. I stick it under my arm and go on my merry way, finding two other books and then getting my butt out of there before I find more things to get late fees on.

I decided I am going to make one of the salads, the Fajita Steak Salad, tomorrow for my family. It looks delicious, and it is only 5 points. I might make a few adjustments, but it will still be quite point worthy. I am happy.

My grandma has offered to buy it for me, which makes me even happier. I really want to try like every single recipe in there. So now I know I will at least be eating healthier suppers. It also includes desert and drink recipes, so now I know when I am partying I can keep the calories down as well. Not that I party a lot. I want to try the mojito and the daiquiri. Maybe another dinner party is in the works! I need to get a proper job before I can do that though.

Which brings me back to my grocery shopping. I went to both the Wise and Wal-Mart this evening... I got the thing I needed for supper tomorrow night, as well as a plethora of stuff I probably don't need but wanted anyways. I got several Smart Ones and a few Lean Cuisines, I bought frozen strawberries so I can make my own fruit bars (if only I could find a popsicle mold now! Dollar Store maybe?), Special K Crackers (they are going to be my downfall... maybe I shouldn't buy them anymore? I can eat a whole box in one sitting. Not good), some pasta, meat that I am going to portion out, pre-cook, and freeze... I got bagged salad. Oh! Question! Can bagged salad be frozen? I was worried it would make the lettuce too mushy when thawing.. I'll have to find out. I still have a coupon for it for the Wise that makes it only 68cents a bag! Not too shabby, when it is usually $1.68. You see, I like my bargains. Cereal... Corn Flakes are only two points for one cup, and that includes milk! Also not bad. However, I need to increase my points for breakfast, so maybe it wasn't the smartest idea... but at least I am thinking about it!

So many temptations, however. It doesn't matter if I have just eaten my way through a cave, whenever I step foot inside a grocery store I will instantly be hungry. This makes work a little difficult. Especially when the time clock is past the truckload aisle and, like I said, I can't resist good deal. I did buy Cheetos... mozzarella kind. They are new. They taste just like the regular kind, but are white so they don't leave orange on your fingers. haha. I disgustingly ate the whole bag this evening. And then chomped on a whole bunch of those crackers. Washed down with two caf free diet cokes. I need to stop this habit of munching in the evening. I really need to figure out what it is that is leading me to do that. Well, I probably already know. Hmph. I also need to stop watching the food channel in the evening when I know I am most likely to munch. Its not good for me.

This week I have gained two pounds, bringing me up to 358.6 sadly. That is still 10lbs down from where I started at the end of January, but I am still not happy with it. I need to get back on track and be pushed down the rails. This is proving to be far difficult than I originally thought. And I was doing so well for awhile, and then I got too cocky and thought I could do it while eating regular foods. I was so wrong!

I have the intention of making an appointment with my doctor this week to get a few things checked out, and then I was possibly thinking of making an appointment with the nutritionist again just to have that added support as well, now that I have goals in mind as well as a plan and a strategy. I also need to exercise more. Was possibly thinking of bringing up the topic of joining a gym to my mother. Family plan maybe? I wish there was a gym in town that had a pool!

I seriously can't wait for spring. I want to bust out my camera and take some amazing photos so badly. Hoping it comes sooner than later!

Oh, and just a request... if you see I haven't written in a few days, please poke me, much like Cassie did. =) I need to stay on top of this blog, and I honestly will forget how long it has been since I have written.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!