Ice Cream = Frenemy

I'm sitting in the ice cream shoppe right now and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable! I'm really trying to put my mind to it to eat right. I figure if I keep telling myself every second of every day that I am going to eat healthy and not allow myself to eat poor choices, I will be fine. It's proving hard while sitting here surrounded by cold deliciousness and candy. And chips. I've already had my once ice cream treat of the day, I can not allow myself to have more. However, whenever I lift up the lid for the peanut butter cups... oh my. That smell is amazing. Peanut butter. I want some! I can't though. Can't do it. Don't want to do it.

I was going through my phone and found something I had typed in there the other day as a note to myself. I don't know why I wrote it or even remember what I was feeling or doing at the time, but I thought I should post it here as it pertains to my weight loss journey.

It's just hard because of this emotional connection I have with food. For a long time it was my only constant source of happiness. Many people involve themselves deeply in music, sports, friends... that was never me. I may have had "friends", but it is the truth when I say almost all of my Friday nights in high school were spent at home in front of my computer. I wasn't invited to a party until I was 21. Food kept me entertained instead. It was a true friend. How do I let that go when I still feel the same? When I know it will always be there? I come home at night and I know two things for sure. That Artemis will be meowing at the door for me, and that the fridge is two steps away from the door. It's hard to break away from this relationship. It's like a bad boyfriend you can't get away from.

Hm. So I guess that's it in a depressing nutshell. It is amazing what can come out sometimes when I just don't even think about it and let it pour out. I'm glad I can keep notes on my phone! A writers best friend!

Anyways, the point is that this is so hard! It's difficult for me to keep my frame of mind steady in to doing this. Some days are better than others... some days I don't really feel like myself. I feel like a zombie. And that might have to do with my meds and I should probably get that checked out. For example.. work. Tuesday night I was on top of everything and was a cleaning maniac and super friendly and got everything done. Wednesday, last night, I just didn't feel like doing anything. I was tired and sore with a headache, and didn't even want to do my job. It's like that all the time, and not just with work, but everyday there are things I want to do but I just get so tired and don't want to do anything at all except sit on my couch and listen to music. If even that... sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cuddle with Artemis. I'm not very consistent. I feel like this isn't normal, that it isn't what most people feel. Which makes me feel worse and more like a freak of nature. I'm just very strange. I've always been this way.

I have four hours left before my shift is over and I can walk away from the ice cream shoppe. I think if I find something to do here on the computer I can keep myself busy enough to not eat anything. Maybe I'll work on something for my Neopets guild. I just need to stay strong and stay away from it. Stay distracted. Is there a zap collar out there that could zap me if I even think about grabbing food? haha. Pavlov's dogs. In reverse. That would be nice. Kind of. It would hurt, but it would help. I think.