Mind Ramblings...

My brain has had far too much time to think lately. Even while I sleep it runs rampant and I wake up in the morning confused and frustrated. Things about my life, about me. I don't know what else it would think about. haha.

Like thinking about jobs. I am so tired of where I am, but am far too frightened to even pursue other options. I'm scared of not doing well, of not liking it, of not fitting in, and especially of not keeping the somewhat financial stability I have right now. I don't want to get another job, quit what I have, and then quickly lose what I did gain. And not being happy. I'm not happy right now, but I'm ok. I'm not horrible. It could be much worse. It's a fear of starting over and not knowing where it is going exactly. When I do big things like that I like to have every little thing planned out. I need to know what is happening.

Thinking about moving. I have been thinking about just getting a new apartment here in Owatonna... but after camp this week, I feel like I NEED to move up north. It's not so much want... it's a need. I feel so alive up there, and it's not just the people or the camp. It's the air. It's how healthy I feel while I'm there. It's how I have so much to do and feel up there. I close my eyes and reach my hands up and it's the only time I feel a higher power. The only time I feel like there is so much more to life than just making it by. And I can tell when I have left the area... my heart drops, the air isn't as sweet anymore. Anything south of Brainerd/Baxter loses it for me. I smile the minute I drive by and I roll down my window and inhale deeply. It's love. However... it's so far away from everything I have grown up around and known! And I fear that the people I love don't want me to do it. I can't explain the happiness and warmth in my heart when I'm that close to real wilderness. Owatonna is farmland. I need deep woods and hiking trails. One of these days I will go up there and live there. I want to live on a nice lake, near Pequot Lakes and Nisswa. There's lots to choose from.

Being healthy... I lost 4.5 pounds while I was up north. I feel like gravity pulls me down while I'm back in town. My blood doesn't feel as clear, and I've already started to break out again. It's the weirdest thing. Anyways, I have some big goals I want to reach this year, but am just stuck in my little rut, going nowhere. I don't know what to do with myself. There seems to be so little to do down here. And even when I find something I want to do, there isn't really anyone to do it with. It's a bit lonely at times. And mentally I feel stuck. A week in the woods can do wonders for my mind. I think the pig smell down here clogs my brain.

Who knows... this could just all be decompression from coming back from camp... but it's amazing how year after year I feel the same things when I get back, and it's amazing how happy I am while I'm there. I work my butt off, and I don't mind. I sweat, and I don't mind. This year I wasn't even all that concerned about "making friends" and what others thought of me. I was there because I wanted to be and no one was going to make me feel bad. I had my moments of course, usually when thinking about the past. Feeling sorry for myself, or feeling like I can say something a billion times but people won't listen... and once someone else says the thing I was trying to say, they are suddenly a genius. Or realizing things about myself and the people I was on SLC staff on... how I thought some people were my friends and I love them dearly, but not a single person contacts me during the off season while the rest of them get together and have fun. Things like that. But I need to keep growing and realize I am not here for them. I am here for me, and I am here to figure out my lifes purpose and put it to use. I need to keep growing and learning and thinking (unfortunately) to figure out where I am going and what I am doing.

Thinking has so many ups and downs and positives and negatives. It's a great frenemy. I just hope I can use it to my advantage in the coming year and really grow up. Become the adult I have been trying to become. I'm catching up with myself, and it feels good. I just wish it had happened a while ago.