Shrimpy Short Teeny Tot

I need to just start posting small things instead of trying to pour my brain out through my fingers. Almost like FB status updates. Or... twittering for lack of a better word. *shudder* I think Twitter is just a bad idea. As if I didn't know everything about everyone already. Now I can be updated in seconds, every moment of the day! Eating breakfast? Twitter it! Driving on the highway? Twitter it! Taking a crap? TWITTER! Ugh.

Anyways. Here is my status updates.

* I've been binging on carby foods. Pretzels, COMBOS, sunchips, any chips. Stuff like that. I usually end up having to follow it up with something sweet. Luckily I have 60calorie freezees in my freezer that, while not fantastic, are definitely better for you than most sweet things. I managed to eat Combos AND Sunchips tonight. With my supper of a South Beach Diet Pizza. I am an anomaly.

* I am unbelievably sore from trying to exercise all week. I was doing pretty well though... until I started binging like crazy after work. Now I'm sore and bloated. Makes DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) difficult to do when I don't want to move my body or feel too tired to take a shower afterwards. Sometimes I am able to force myself to do it.

* I haven't eaten with my parents in forever and I have not been in the mood all week to cook my own supper. This has led to severely bad choices. Like a McDonald's cheeseburger. At least I didn't get the fries!

* I am currently crazy about red seedless grapes, but they are crazy expensive. $3 a pound! I grabbed a bag the other day and went to pay for it.. then found out it was seven and a half bucks! I had to put it back, sadly. I didn't have enough money on me.

* I haven't work at J&J's in awhile, so ice cream hasn't been an issue. I almost stopped there today just for the ice cream, no other reason... I managed to continue driving past. However, I had the combos sitting right next to me, so that negates the plus.

* I have the entire weekend off. I think I will go to the zoo and take pictures. I haven't decided yet on whether it will be Como or Minnesota. I'm hoping to find someone to go with me. I will be taking lots and lots of pictures.

* I sometimes feel like I need more support. Well, I know I have support, I just feel like I need more verbal support. And someone to do things with. And more than just my family. haha. *Waves at Chris, Mom, and Grandma!* Feels a tad bit lonely sometimes.

* I think I might get a glass of water now and hook up the DDR. Start slow to get rid of these chips and then really get into it. I hope my legs will move alright tonight! It was a long work day!!

* I will start posting more regularly if I can do this, and next time I need to do my updated picture, though I don't believe it has changed much. Eh. Meh. Hmph.

Ice Cream = Frenemy

I'm sitting in the ice cream shoppe right now and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable! I'm really trying to put my mind to it to eat right. I figure if I keep telling myself every second of every day that I am going to eat healthy and not allow myself to eat poor choices, I will be fine. It's proving hard while sitting here surrounded by cold deliciousness and candy. And chips. I've already had my once ice cream treat of the day, I can not allow myself to have more. However, whenever I lift up the lid for the peanut butter cups... oh my. That smell is amazing. Peanut butter. I want some! I can't though. Can't do it. Don't want to do it.

I was going through my phone and found something I had typed in there the other day as a note to myself. I don't know why I wrote it or even remember what I was feeling or doing at the time, but I thought I should post it here as it pertains to my weight loss journey.

It's just hard because of this emotional connection I have with food. For a long time it was my only constant source of happiness. Many people involve themselves deeply in music, sports, friends... that was never me. I may have had "friends", but it is the truth when I say almost all of my Friday nights in high school were spent at home in front of my computer. I wasn't invited to a party until I was 21. Food kept me entertained instead. It was a true friend. How do I let that go when I still feel the same? When I know it will always be there? I come home at night and I know two things for sure. That Artemis will be meowing at the door for me, and that the fridge is two steps away from the door. It's hard to break away from this relationship. It's like a bad boyfriend you can't get away from.

Hm. So I guess that's it in a depressing nutshell. It is amazing what can come out sometimes when I just don't even think about it and let it pour out. I'm glad I can keep notes on my phone! A writers best friend!

Anyways, the point is that this is so hard! It's difficult for me to keep my frame of mind steady in to doing this. Some days are better than others... some days I don't really feel like myself. I feel like a zombie. And that might have to do with my meds and I should probably get that checked out. For example.. work. Tuesday night I was on top of everything and was a cleaning maniac and super friendly and got everything done. Wednesday, last night, I just didn't feel like doing anything. I was tired and sore with a headache, and didn't even want to do my job. It's like that all the time, and not just with work, but everyday there are things I want to do but I just get so tired and don't want to do anything at all except sit on my couch and listen to music. If even that... sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cuddle with Artemis. I'm not very consistent. I feel like this isn't normal, that it isn't what most people feel. Which makes me feel worse and more like a freak of nature. I'm just very strange. I've always been this way.

I have four hours left before my shift is over and I can walk away from the ice cream shoppe. I think if I find something to do here on the computer I can keep myself busy enough to not eat anything. Maybe I'll work on something for my Neopets guild. I just need to stay strong and stay away from it. Stay distracted. Is there a zap collar out there that could zap me if I even think about grabbing food? haha. Pavlov's dogs. In reverse. That would be nice. Kind of. It would hurt, but it would help. I think.

Not So Hot, Actually

So instead of turning over this new leaf again I am just finding myself feeling guilty and becoming depressed and listless. Stressed out. Frustrated. Which is never good. I tried to start journaling again today and just couldn't be honest with myself with what I was really eating. I wanted so badly to stay under my WW points and I was close to being done by mid afternoon! Doing lunch at the Timber Lodge was not the smartest idea, but I was meeting up with family for lunch and honestly, there isn't really a healthy sit-down restaurant anywhere. What I had wasn't too horrible, but it is still frustrating. I've been giving in to my cravings to much lately as well. I had four string cheese sticks this afternoon. Never good.

Right now I am craving something sugary, and I know that I have a bag of brownie mix in my pantry. And it wouldn't take me very long to make it. I've already had two sugar free popsicles (1 point each) to placate this sugar craving, and it is not working. I'm thinking my best option is just to go to bed. Maybe this is the wrong time of night to try to be motivating myself.

My mom found a gray hair on my head today! A freaking LONG gray hair! Not gray... white. I don't know if it's because the women in my family tend to gray early (I'm 22, Grandma said she had her first gray by 25) or if it is stress. I wish I knew... if it's stress I could try to fix it. If it's that I'm getting older... well, that sucks. I have a feeling it is stress, because it seems like it just popped up over night. That can happen, right? Eh. I'll have to look it up. Either way, I don't want it yet. It could wait another couple of years. Can I at least have a kid first before I start earning my gray hair?

I think I'm going to bed and leave the rest of my thoughts to another post. I need to start writing everyday again. Maybe that will provide me with more inspiration. Hopefully.

Stains the Hypno Dog

I think this perfectly explains my current situation with food I am craving. It's basically like it is being held in front of my face... whether I am working with it (ice cream, etc) or on the shelves at the grocery store... but if I go in to take a bite something "clicks" at me and tells me no. I just wish that I could train like a dog. It would make it easier. Is there a human whisperer out in the crowd somewhere?

I've started making attempts at buying healthier food, particularly snack foods. Snacks are my biggest downfall. I eat really healthy meals usually. But it's the in between times, especially after supper until bedtime, that really get me. So I need to make absolutely sure that I am not putting myself in a position that would lead me to eat some really bad things. In other words, I can not keep unhealthy junk food in my apartment AT ALL. I should not be allowed to buy it. It can not come past my door. Otherwise it will be demolished. I need to start "consciously" shopping again. Hm.

I'm starting the "Biggest Loser Challenge" on one of my SparkTeams and I really hope that it will help me this summer. I think I've been lacking that push, and really have just been left to my own devices again. Which is never good! Like I've said before, I need someone to really shove me along the way. Just knock me on my ass! Because obviously what I do by myself does not work.

Well, I guess my glass is a little half empty tonight! I've had one hell of a week and I think I just need to take a nice hot shower and crawl into my bed with a book. I've been thinking of trying to read The Fountainhead. I never got through it the first time, and now that it's not required reading maybe I can.

I'm so excited to finally have a day off from work! I hope the weather will be nice so I can really enjoy it!